Category: depressions

Tomorrow came…but the answer didn’t.

Yesterday, I wrote a post detailing the anxiety and feelings of depression that living in a disjointed relationship is having on me and I was desperately hoping the conclusion would come today.

However, today came and it sounds like the conclusion won’t. The ‘chat’ was supposed to happen this evening but, the man in question has cancelled. So, where does that leave me and what does it suggest? To me, it seems that he just doesn’t care and again, it can’t be that important to him to fix this. I am not sure if mind games are being played here and whether he is trying to get me to end ‘whatever’ this is but he needs to grow a pair and make a decision himself. I am not making it easy for him and I am not getting into endless rows, especially over text.

What am I to do?

He told me on Friday that he felt we were living a disjointed relationship and to be honest, I couldn’t agree more with him as he never has time for me. Therefore, I find it really hard to build a bond (and a life) with someone who doesn’t invest in ‘us’ or doesn’t consider ‘us’ when making big decisions.

He said, this feels forced and hard work. Again, I agree but I’ve been raising this for the last couple of months (we’ve dated for 9) and he offered me some solutions, including doing things with him and his son but unsurprisingly, those invites never came.

Where is my head at?

I am shedding tears. I am feeling anxious but most of all, I feel completely detached from him and like he is not fighting the fight to fix it. What he is saying to me and what he is doing are representing two different things. He is saying he wants to chat and he wants to try and make it work but he isn’t making the effort to do that.

He is a Sagittarius and typical personality traits are:

Weaknesses: Promises more than can deliver, very impatient, will say anything no matter how undiplomatic

Sagittarius likes: Freedom, travel, philosophy, being outdoors

Sagittarius dislikes: Clingy people, being constrained, off-the-wall theories, details

I would say that these are fairly spot on for him! He is a selfish man and wants to have his cake and eat it. Everything is on his terms. He often talks about him and rarely asks about me. For example, he doesn’t know that I have been called for an interview which may actually interest him bearing in mind, he says I complain about work all the time.

You’re probably wondering why I’ve put up with it for this long as many wouldn’t but when it’s good, it great. We actually complement each other really nicely; he is an extrovert – life and soul of the party and I am an introvert who likes to blend in.

Question is, where does this leave me for the next few weeks?

The reason we were having the chat today is because he is now away until week of the 17th June so, where does this leave me?

~ Do I call him?
~ Do we text?
~ Do we carry on as normal as if we are dating, as there is no closure on the problem in hand or whether we are a couple still even.

I feel our conversations are stained now and until we have a face to face, I don’t think we are going to get much out of this.

Any advice or suggestion would be well received from anyone who has gone through something similar or is going through it now.

Disjointed relationship affecting my mental health…

I have thought long and hard about putting ‘pen to paper’ on a situation that is impacting me mentally and physically at the moment. I decided that it would be a good to way to clear my head space and perhaps, would give me some very much needed guidance.

Let me set the scene by telling you a little about me…

I am a 39, nearly 40 year old female who has a history of depression which was treated by medication back in 2013. Relationship break downs are generally my trigger point and it affects me greatly that I cannot control situations. I find it hard to articulate how I am feeling, without sounding that I am moaning. I am just a typical, emotionally charged Cancerian that needs to feel wanted and receive empathy and affection (from whoever I am dating) when I am going through tough times.

To support me over the years, I’ve dipped in and out of CBT, Counselling, Meditation, Mindfulness and had psychic readings; they have all had a part to play in giving me reassurance in changing how I think, living in the moment and also spotting signs when I may be spiraling into depression again.

My dating story now…

I’ve been dating this chap since October 2018 and whilst the relationship had a slightly unconventional and testing start, we seemed to get into a routine fairly quickly. He understood me and my needs and vice versa and we had some really enjoyable weeks and months spent together. However, over time, I guess we’ve both got a bit complacent, him more than me in my opinion and I often feel that I am no-longer in a regular relationship but a long distance one and I don’t know how to deal with it because I need someone who can (and wants) to be there for me.

He doesn’t have a regular job. He is in the services, he has a child, he has interests and coaches regularly for his sport and he is a man that likes to serve his friends. If they need him, he is there and I feel that I always come last. This, I am struggling with and has significantly impacted our relationship over the last couple of months.

I’ve tried to convey this to him and unfortunately, I am now in a habit where I keep repeating myself about not being his priority. I never get any time with him, I feel like I have a pen-pal as opposed to a partner and there is a lot of negative energy between us. Whether he is choosing not to understand where I am coming from, I don’t know and I now feel like we are at logger heads because both of us feel that the other is not understanding of each others views.

Whilst this is a very specific issue, it does impact on me daily with:

~ mood swings
~ tears
~ anxiety
~ loss of interest in my hobbies etc and believe it or not, I try to conceal a lot of this from him, even thought he doesn’t realise it.

A bit of history…

About 2 months back, I raised my concerns around his lack of time and whilst he listened, I don’t feel that he took my worries too seriously and we fell back into a pattern, whereby I was last on the list. My anxiety about having little time with him resurfaced a few weeks back, not long after he went out for a night, said he would he home by 9pm and never reappeared. I thought, this man had no respect for me and always wants to be somewhere else so, I ended it.

He was heading into a weekend away with the boys and when he came home, he reached out having not taking my ‘ending our relationship’ seriously.’ We had a conversation and I thought my point had sunk in. I forgave him and we got back on track.

The current…

I feel like I have been withdrawing. How can you have things to talk about with someone if you never do anything together or never have time for each other? Telephone calls and texts have become niceties instead of ‘excitement’ about speaking with each other.

Yesterday, he reached out and said ‘we need to talk’ over a face to face. Never a good sign and of course my anxiety went through the roof and I needed to take control of the situation immediately but he wouldn’t pick up the phone to me. Instead, it got a bit nasty – neither of us understanding each other and I blocked him on Whatsapp.

There has been a succession of other conversations this morning, followed by a brief chat this afternoon but I honestly don’t know where this is heading and whether it can be salvaged.

When we met I honestly thought this would go the long-haul and I still desperately want that but am I supposed to be the girlfriend that compromises on everything and doesn’t get anything in return and ‘what is considered’ a normal frequency of seeing each other? Last month, I saw him for 36 hours or so and whilst I can deal with that as a one off, his months are jam packed and this makes me question, where do I fit?

We are going to meet tomorrow, possibly for a final catch up which breaks my heart to say but I just don’t think we will find a middle ground, despite me wanting to achieve that with him as I love him. Is there such thing as a conventional relationship? Am I basing what we have on what is actually a thing of the past?

Exercises to help me…

To stop me from over thinking too much, today I practiced some mindfulness:-

~ Meditation in a field of Lavendar
~ A walk in the woods with my beautiful Cockapoo
~ A psychic reading
~ Writing some affirmations – this is a new thing for me but I am open to some direction and guidance.

So, that is me! Someone who I thought had it sorted but I feel like I am still going through the relationship woes of a teenager!

I hope tomorrow will end in a positive way but time will tell.