Disjointed relationship affecting my mental health…

I have thought long and hard about putting ‘pen to paper’ on a situation that is impacting me mentally and physically at the moment. I decided that it would be a good to way to clear my head space and perhaps, would give me some very much needed guidance.

Let me set the scene by telling you a little about me…

I am a 39, nearly 40 year old female who has a history of depression which was treated by medication back in 2013. Relationship break downs are generally my trigger point and it affects me greatly that I cannot control situations. I find it hard to articulate how I am feeling, without sounding that I am moaning. I am just a typical, emotionally charged Cancerian that needs to feel wanted and receive empathy and affection (from whoever I am dating) when I am going through tough times.

To support me over the years, I’ve dipped in and out of CBT, Counselling, Meditation, Mindfulness and had psychic readings; they have all had a part to play in giving me reassurance in changing how I think, living in the moment and also spotting signs when I may be spiraling into depression again.

My dating story now…

I’ve been dating this chap since October 2018 and whilst the relationship had a slightly unconventional and testing start, we seemed to get into a routine fairly quickly. He understood me and my needs and vice versa and we had some really enjoyable weeks and months spent together. However, over time, I guess we’ve both got a bit complacent, him more than me in my opinion and I often feel that I am no-longer in a regular relationship but a long distance one and I don’t know how to deal with it because I need someone who can (and wants) to be there for me.

He doesn’t have a regular job. He is in the services, he has a child, he has interests and coaches regularly for his sport and he is a man that likes to serve his friends. If they need him, he is there and I feel that I always come last. This, I am struggling with and has significantly impacted our relationship over the last couple of months.

I’ve tried to convey this to him and unfortunately, I am now in a habit where I keep repeating myself about not being his priority. I never get any time with him, I feel like I have a pen-pal as opposed to a partner and there is a lot of negative energy between us. Whether he is choosing not to understand where I am coming from, I don’t know and I now feel like we are at logger heads because both of us feel that the other is not understanding of each others views.

Whilst this is a very specific issue, it does impact on me daily with:

~ mood swings
~ tears
~ anxiety
~ loss of interest in my hobbies etc and believe it or not, I try to conceal a lot of this from him, even thought he doesn’t realise it.

A bit of history…

About 2 months back, I raised my concerns around his lack of time and whilst he listened, I don’t feel that he took my worries too seriously and we fell back into a pattern, whereby I was last on the list. My anxiety about having little time with him resurfaced a few weeks back, not long after he went out for a night, said he would he home by 9pm and never reappeared. I thought, this man had no respect for me and always wants to be somewhere else so, I ended it.

He was heading into a weekend away with the boys and when he came home, he reached out having not taking my ‘ending our relationship’ seriously.’ We had a conversation and I thought my point had sunk in. I forgave him and we got back on track.

The current…

I feel like I have been withdrawing. How can you have things to talk about with someone if you never do anything together or never have time for each other? Telephone calls and texts have become niceties instead of ‘excitement’ about speaking with each other.

Yesterday, he reached out and said ‘we need to talk’ over a face to face. Never a good sign and of course my anxiety went through the roof and I needed to take control of the situation immediately but he wouldn’t pick up the phone to me. Instead, it got a bit nasty – neither of us understanding each other and I blocked him on Whatsapp.

There has been a succession of other conversations this morning, followed by a brief chat this afternoon but I honestly don’t know where this is heading and whether it can be salvaged.

When we met I honestly thought this would go the long-haul and I still desperately want that but am I supposed to be the girlfriend that compromises on everything and doesn’t get anything in return and ‘what is considered’ a normal frequency of seeing each other? Last month, I saw him for 36 hours or so and whilst I can deal with that as a one off, his months are jam packed and this makes me question, where do I fit?

We are going to meet tomorrow, possibly for a final catch up which breaks my heart to say but I just don’t think we will find a middle ground, despite me wanting to achieve that with him as I love him. Is there such thing as a conventional relationship? Am I basing what we have on what is actually a thing of the past?

Exercises to help me…

To stop me from over thinking too much, today I practiced some mindfulness:-

~ Meditation in a field of Lavendar
~ A walk in the woods with my beautiful Cockapoo
~ A psychic reading
~ Writing some affirmations – this is a new thing for me but I am open to some direction and guidance.

So, that is me! Someone who I thought had it sorted but I feel like I am still going through the relationship woes of a teenager!

I hope tomorrow will end in a positive way but time will tell.

Dogs – our most trusting companions…

…so, why did it take me so long to trust her off lead? Essentially, the problem was sat with me. I was too scared and anxious that Winnie would get distracted and run off and then I would find myself without a dog.

People around us always have an opinion, an opinion that they like to share and many people I spoke to couldn’t understand my fear. “Winnie is micro-chipped and if you lost her, she would always find her way back home” they’d say but for someone who suffers with anxiety, it was not a position that I wanted to find myself in.

Winnie is now almost 4 and whilst she has had plenty of off lead walks with my dad, it’s not something that I’ve felt comfortable doing on my own and yet, I’ve felt super guilty that I’ve not trusted her and given her the opportunity to be off lead and running around freely to be the curious puppy that she is.

Last year however, I met my partner and he said “Have trust in your dog and your dog will trust you…” a great motto and actually, something that I’ve only started to embrace in 2019

The time was right to trust her and these are the steps we took:

#01: Woodland walks with a frisbee for distraction; she was let off for a couple of minutes at a time and the frisbee was thrown no further than 3-4 meters; it gave me the confidence that I needed, knowing that I could reach out to her at any point and Winnie the confidence that I was still near and her ‘go to’ point.

NOTE: For peace of mind, I always have treats in my pocket! Chicken and cheese nibbles work wonders for Winnie.

#02: Woodland walks with a frisbee but going a few extra meters. Yep, we started feeling brave! We continued with the walks in the woods but I found some additional strength in my arm (change of mind-set) to launch the frisbee that bit further meaning that Winnie was off lead for a bit longer! Winnie has a lot of energy to burn and naturally, the further the frisbee, the more running required to fetch it!

#03: We hit the dog park and she didn’t disappoint! Today, we felt super confident. We started off with our usual walk in the woods and tired her out a little! We then broached the dog park where there are lots of distractions – other dogs playing, people, cyclists and runners yet, our faithful friend the ‘green’ frisbee kept her focused and whilst she was curious about what was going on around her, she kept coming back. #Icansleepeasy

The above steps sound so easy but when you’re battling the ‘what if’ demons in your head, it is hard to let go!

However, I am now sat here with Winnie snoring away on the sofa and I know she is a very satisfied (and exhausted) little dog! Until her next adventure… 🙂

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My Cockapoo has hobbies…

Winnie joined my home in 2013 and whilst there were some initial teething and training issues, she is now the perfect dog with an amusing little personality, the best temperament and quirks that emerge daily. Like most dogs, she loves her exercise, her toys and her food and as long as she has access to these 3 core ingredients, the rest of the time, as my dad says, ‘she just fits’.

If I sleep, she sleeps. If my dad catches rays in the garden, Winnie does the same. If we eat, Winnie likes to eat too. There is no end to her desire of ‘fitting in’ with the rest of the family and most of the time, you wouldn’t know she is there.

I take great pleasure living with Winnie and she is certainly one of my best decisions in the last few years so, I wanted to take the opportunity to share some of her hobbies with you. On a bad day, her little quirks make me smile and on a good day, they fill my life with laughter.

#01Woodland walks
Winnie loves nothing more than heading for a woodland walk with her ever so favoured frisbee; she has a blue and a green one in different homes. One at my parents and one with me and as soon as they are whipped out of the cupboard, she knows she is off for an hour of adventure; her tail wags and her face lights up. (This is true.)

She may also get an opportunity to spot a squirrel or two, sniff a bit of dog wee and discover some hidey-holes to keep hiding from mummy.

#02 Spending time in the garden
She likes to be out in the garden, perusing her patch and making sure the local cats don’t venture on to her lawn. If there is someone willing to sit in the garden with her, she will happily sit by their side and chill. Occasionally she will move but this is generally only if someones moves or goes indoors; she doesn’t like be on her own.

She likes to chomp on pigeon poo and sometimes wreck my mum’s carefully landscapes borders but we will skim over that one.

#03 Saying ‘hello’ to people – largely men.
Winnie doesn’t always like other dogs but she loves people and she knows ‘how to fit’ with different dynamics. Whether you’re male, a child, elderly – she adopts a different style of greeting.

Men however rule the roost in my dogs eyes; there is no denying that she is man’s best friend. If a man shows any interest whilst we are on our walks, Winnie’s rear end sways from side to side and she develops a strut of all struts to try and engage cuddles and attention. Normally, it works and we’ve met a few men on our travels who Winnie always seems to remember and if we pass them in our tracks, I know about it. #ladynotincontrolofherdog

#04 Fluffing cushions or throwing them off of the bed
Now, it’s important to state that my flat is no show home but I do take pleasure in plumping up my pillows and strategically positioning my cushions on the bed, before I leave for work in the morning.

However, Winnie has different ideas. Whilst I am busy beautifying myself and obviously slightly distracted, my Cockapoo is happily entertaining herself fluffing up cushions and throwing them off the bed. Result – bed is not so perfectly made.

#05 Getting involved in exercise
We’ve tried running but she has too much of a frenetic personality and doesn’t move in a straight line but she does like to get involved in yoga and weights with me. Obviously, she doesn’t lift the weights but she likes to be as near as possible and see what is going on and as for yoga, she takes her place on my yoga mat. Note to self, must master DOGA.

I hope that gives you a sense of how amazing my little dog she is.

I would love to hear what your dog is passionate about and how they like to spend their time with or without you. #cockapoos